Thursday, 6 March 2014

In a rut

I can’t seem to recognize myself. I have changed, more like my life has. A lot of happy additions and familial bliss; inside I am the same. Maybe that’s the problem. Aren't we supposed to change? What we want? What satisfies us intellectually? What goals and ambitions we have? Instead of my goals changing with the addition of a spouse and child I feel I have just added to the list of my goals and ambitions. Making it even harder to achieve any of them, old or new. I feel lost. I wish I felt differently. I wish I was happy in being happy but I feel something is missing. I have decided to be a stay at home mom. So I can pick up my child, cook for her, clean for her, teach her how to feed herself , to color inside the lines and how to buy herself a candy with the 2 coins I give her. I want to do that, I’m choosing to. But it doesn't mean I don’t have days when the cooking and washing and cleaning up spills and muddy foot prints 10 times in an hour makes me feel like I’m wasting my life. I feel worthless, unproductive and dumb. Especially when I run into or talk to old friends who seem to have it all. I don’t know how they do it but I’m too lazy to ask because I have a sneaky suspicion I lack the drive and patience to do it even if they gave me step by step instructions.

I used to have so much energy. So much drive. So much room in my heart and mind for so many different interests and passions. I can’t seem to bother anymore. I’m in a rut. I've had things easy. Stuff just seemed to always work out for me. I think maybe I’m one of those people, there’s no maybe I know I am, who can’t be bothered to work hard simply because they were lucky enough not to have to work too hard for the first 25 years or so of their lives. I used to be able to eat anything and everything without gaining an ounce, and since my kid, I haven’t been able to make the effort to lose the 15 pounds I want to in 3 years.  I need to snap out of it. And help myself. Push myself. In the end I think it comes down to the fact that I’m afraid to fail. Afraid there is no extraordinary and I’m just ordinary and uninteresting and worthless. I’m comfortable in my rut feeling bad about wasting myself instead of making a change, making an effort and finding out there isn't much more to me. Who wants that?

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